The Black Oven: Cute As Black Metal Can Be!

A fiend of mine just passed along a great link that brings together two of my favourite things: Black Metal and baked goods. The Black Oven is a fairly new blog (started in March/08), but already cookin' on HIGH with hilarity. Here is a snippet from one of the recipes:

"Where the Chocolate Beats Incessant: As far as I am concerned, brownies are one of the truest manifestations of metal in the scope of baking. Nestled inside their dark, viscous hearts lies a sickening world of decadence. The following recipe is no exception. Try baking them, and consider the fact that the mastery of brownies is parallel to the mastery of the occult."

This blog is as cute as a Black Metal can be. Your lips will thank you, your hips will hate you, and all the other little monsters on the block will envy your mad culinary skillz.

Nightmare Castle: Brunette Beauty Barbara Steele... Also Available in Blonde Bombshell!

Caution: Spoilers Galore

Horror Queen Barbara Steele takes on a double roll in Mario Caiano's atmospheric 1965 classic Castle of Blood. Steele first appeared as a ghostly-pale, raven-haired femme fatale in Mario Bava's Black Sunday (aka The Mask of Satan) in 1960. In that role, the stunning actress became as well known for her powerful on-screen performances as for her haunting beauty.

Dr. Stephen Arrowsmith (Paul Muller) has just discovered that his wife, Muriel (Barbara Steele) is having an affair. When he catches the two lovers in the amorous act, they find themselves chained to a dungeon wall. Unfortunately for Muriel and her companion, David (Rik Battaglia), Dr. Arrowsmith has something much more awful in store!

"I will kill you, you tart! You and your filthy friend!
But death, my dear, must come to you only after I've torn from your bodies all the suffering and pain a human being can stand!
And you don't know how long it takes to die of pain."

You see, Dr. Arrowsmith is a clearly-mad scientist, who is working on human rejuvenation, by means of subjecting human blood cells to electrical impulses* and he uses poor Muriel as a subject in a bizarre experiment which claims her life. He also has a plan in store for Muriel's stepsister, Jenny (Barbara Steele), who Muriel named as the sole beneficiary of her sizable fortune shortly before she died.

Somehow, Arrowsmith is able to convince Jenny to become his wife, and come to live with him in the castle (gross!). What the flaxon-haired, doe-eyed young woman does not know is that Arrowsmith and his faithful servant, Solange (Helga Liné), intend to push her already-fragile mental state over the very brink of madness in order to gain control over Muriel's fortune.

"You will end up a prisoner of your madness
and obsessions forever."

Dr. Arrowsmith enlists the help of a dashing, young psychiatrist, Dr. Derek Joyce (Laurence Clift), to attend to his new bride. Jenny is ill at ease while inside the castle, and seems to need very little encouragement toward insanity. She is begins to have disturbing visions and bizarre nightmares, gradually becoming more aware of the presence of her dead stepsister, Muriel, who seems to have the power to possess her very soul.

"There are ghosts in this casle, Dr. Arrowsmith."

Extremely concerned for the mental and physical safety of his beautiful, young patient, Derek undertakes his own explorations of the castle after Dr. Arrowsmith refuses to entertain the notion that the place could be haunted. He makes his way to the castle's crypt, and discovers that Muriel's tomb is empty. In making this discovery, Derek has unwittingly uncovered an important component of Arrowsmith's experiment and overall scheme.

Beyond simply being Dr. Arrowsmith's servant, Solange was also the recipient of blood that had been taken from Muriel in the excruciating moments leading up to her death death in order to restore the housekeeper's appearance and vitality to that of a woman in her twenties. After Derek begins poking around, they decide that they must get rid of him at once. The stolen blood flowing through Solange's veins is weakening her, and they must expediate Jenny's descent into madness so that they can gain access to her sweet, red essence.

"You will sleep now; a sleep that will be
without any more dreams."

Despite the best efforts of Dr. Arrowsmith and Solange, his dead wife has other plans. After Derek uncovers the hearts of the murdered lovers, the ghosts of Muriel and David materialize to wreak havoc upon the inhabitants of the castle. Solange is denied the blood transfusion she requires, and she is left to rot (quite literally). When Arrowsmith beholds the apparition of his wife, he is aghast. Had he not killed her, in punishment for her betrayal?

"You gave me extreme pleasure.
You taught me the pleasure of the torment of the flesh,
which turns to exstasy. Now, I'm going to reward you with
that same pleasure... Come, darling."

"Now I've got your body and soul,
if there was any such thing in your damned being!
It's my moment now!"

Derek and Jenny are only able to escape their undead tormentors by destroying their hearts, which Derek accomplishes by throwing the meaty organs into the fire. From this powerful scene comes the iconic image of Ms. Steele done up paler-than-pale, with half of her famous face covered by her hair. The stark, frightening imagery is accentuated by the bone-chilling musical score, masterfully composed by Ennio Morricone.

While the picture and sound quality leave much to be desired at times, Nightmare Castle is a must-see for those who enjoy watching an artfully-filmed supernatural thriller.

* Madacy Pictures

5/5 Kitty Skulls = Pick of the litter!

Witchery: Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff's Greatest Shame

Caution: Spoilers Galore

As previously posted, I recently found a copy of Witchery, a movie I hadn't seen since I was a very young girl. I have always maintained vivid recollections of certain parts of the movie (I can't bring myself to call it a "film"), but couldn't piece together all the frayed bits of fabric floating around in my mind... Until I watched it for the first time in 20+ years. For nostalgic value, I hunted down the cover image from the videocassette that I remember for the purposes of this "review."

I could have gone through the motions of writing a review for this movie, but I couldn't imagine it being very entertaining to read. The plot didn't even make sense, much less captivate. I decided that it would be a great deal more beneficial for all concerned parties if I posted a review: in pictures instead.

So, without any further caterwauling, I present to you: Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff's Greatest Shame.

Leslie wants Gary (The Hoff) to help her unlock a mystery about a strange "witches' light" reported in the area. They are squatting in an abandoned hotel on a deserted island rumored to be inhabited by an evil woman. Leslie (Leslie Cumming) is in the midst of translating an old German text (though she seems to have her share of difficulty with the English language), and she has brought Gary along with her to take photographs of the mysterious phenomena. Gary couldn't care less about pictures; he just wants to bust Leslie's Cherry.

Wouldn't you know it? This crazy, old lady (Hildegard Knef) is squatting in the hotel, too! The family that has just bought the hotel to be renovated and converted into a getaway for rich people didn't have the balls to throw her out, and she was left run wild about the grounds, killing pretty much everyone in sight with her wicked, wicked witchcraft.

The poor, old fisherman gets it first! This guy's boat represents the last chance to get outta dodge for the new owners of the hotel, their children (one is, like, 5 years old, while the other appears to be in her 30's -- go figure that one out), and the working stiffs they brought to the island with them. After the Witch Bitch strings this poor sucker up, she ghost drives his boat away from the island, stranding everybody.

Meanwhile, inside the hotel, weird shit starts happening. Jane (Linda Blair) drops her I Can't Believe That I'm Preggers pills in the bathtub, and gets pulled into a crazy, red vortex when she reaches her hand into the nasty-ass water to pull them out. Why she'd still be interested in her pills after they had been soaking in a pool of disgusting filth is beyond me, but nevertheless...

Once inside the crazy, red vortex, Jane sees a bunch of mentally ill homeless-looking people writhing around, gnawing on flesh, and she is never quite the same for it once she regains consciousness in the presence of her family. They all look down at her like, "Woah! Jane! You crazy, knocked-up bitch!" but she knows that something not of this world pulled her into that bathtub.

Here, we have Jane's mother (Annie Ross), and this was the only way they could get the old hag to shut her mouth. Jane's mom is the second victim of the crazy, red vortex, but she doesn't get off as easily as her daughter did. The mentally ill homeless-looking people are at it again, and this time, they brought a needle and thread! At this point, the viewer endures what seems like an eternity watching the riffraff stitching this lady's lips shut. This is one of the images I mentioned earlier that have remained etched into my memory, and it is easy to see why. I actually thought the effects used in this scene (and several others) were quite good.

After mummy is all stitched up, she is left to dangle upside-down and just out-of-sight above the fireplace. Before too long, her family members decide that it's getting cold, and they light a flame. "What's that smell? I think it's... MOM!" That's pretty much the way it goes down, only they don't realize the error of their ways, and mummy ends up being roasted all the way to well done.

This is one of the working stiffs (Frank Cammarata), the real estate agent about to close the deal on the hotel... or, so he thought! He was doing something he shouldn't have been doing, so he got nailed to a wooden cross, inverted, and then burned alive.

This is the other working stiff (Catherine Hickland, who was married to The Hoff when this picture was filmed), an architect, who looks markedly better in her underwear than in her cheap, 1980's polyester suit. She's blonde, she's beautiful, and she's a bimbo. Surprise! Her and the real estate agent wind up smack in the middle of the crazy, red vortex while the two of them are getting it on. To repent for her slutty sins, the mentally ill homeless-looking people force her to begin taking a more hands-off approach to her work.

Jane's dad (Robert Champagne) is the next one to go (I think). His veins start inexplicably throbbing and bursting all over the place, and D-Hoff, I mean Gary, can't help but get caught in the line of squirt.

While Gary is downstairs finger painting with Jane's dad's red essence, Satan himself (Ely Coughlin) is upstairs fucking his girlfriend, the virginal Leslie. You guessed it: she done gone into the crazy, red vortex! I wasn't entirely certain that the guy with the drippy mouth was supposed to be Satan, but the credit roll confirmed my vague suspicion. Really, he isn't all that much more impressive than the rest of the mentally ill homeless-looking people who live inside Vortexland.

Is it just me, or does he look a little bit like Winnie the Pooh after he's been feeding his face with honey?

Is that Cyndi Lauper? Nope, it's just Linda Blair, being possessed again. This scene represents one of several obvious nods to Blair's most noteworthy project, The Exorcist, that I found lurking within the frames of Witchery.

This movie is a far cry indeed from William Friedken's masterpiece based on the novel by William Peter Blatty, but that didn't stop anyone from allowing cheeseball role reversals/reprisals to appear in this film. For starters, the movie was known as Witchcraft: Return of The Exorcist in the Philippines, although not a single Bible was opened in production, nor a single demon cast out. In the scene pictured above, Jane (looking somewhat Regan-ish in her weird, new wave makeup and wacky hairstyle) turns her head to face the camera in a way ever-so-reminiscent of the famous headspin she completes in The Exorcist.

The Death of D-Hoff

Let's take this one nice and slow...

Happy & Carefree

This never happened on Baywatch! Hoooobieeeee!

Yup, that be the Deathblow.

"Michael, you appear to be slain."
"I know that, Kitt! Fuck off!"

OMG!

Which brings us to the Mother of All Cheeseball Exorcist Ripoffs... How did I know that Linda Blair's character was going to fling herself out the window? Within the first few minutes of the movie, the camera not-so-casually reveals an ominous-looking broken window at the end of a long hallway.

I wasn't exactly splitting the atom when I thought to myself, "Hmm, it almost looks like they're setting this whole thing up to end with Linda Blair going out that window, just like in The Exorcist, but a complete role reversal! How positively droll!"

Yes, right. "Droll." That's exactly what this movie is.


2/5 Kitty Skulls = This movie should have been aborted in the first trimester.





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Wax On Wax Hoff: Someone with an infinite supply of awesome created this way-fun game in which the player gets the honour of waxing D-Hoff's chest.