Friday, October 10, 2008

Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout (1990)

Caution: Video Spoilers Galore

How prepared are you to handle a hostile zombie takeover? Can you ride a bicycle, lying on the floor, with your legs jacked up over your head? Could your hips, buns, belly, and thighs stand a little aerobicization? Have no fear, LINNEA QUIGLEY'S HORROR WORKOUT is here!!! The Scream Queen and Hardbody Extraordinaire woke up at the crack of 1990 to bring you this spookier, sexier version of the home fitness video. Whether you are looking to work your entire body, or merely your wrist, Linnea and her enthusiastic team of zombies and slumber party sluts are sure to get your heart rate up, and your blood pumping!

After opening with a steamy, pre-workout shower scene, the brassy blonde dons a pair of fishnet stockings, high-heeled boots, and a metal-plated bra n' panty set before getting down on all fours to communicate a little of her body language. The background music is terrible, but serves its purpose in getting a nice, little beat going for Ms. Q to gyrate to. For those who choose to participate in the activity, you'll know that you're doing it right when you get to the lingering ass shots!

Upon completion of her floor exercises, Linnea decides to go for a jog through the cemetary. When a gaggle of flabby zombies follows her home, she leads them in a poolside aerobic routine which is sure to whip them into shape! The terrible background music returns, but it's surprising how well the dilapidated freaks move to it!

Poolside Zombies (YouTube Clip)

After a long day of working out, Linnea is finally ready to kick back at home with a bunch of buxom, scantily-clad hussies she's invited over for a slumber party. This sequence was a little on the long side, and regrettably uneventful up until the last few minutes. Kitty's advice to viewers: wait for the pelvic thrusts, they are soooo worth it. Further, the more satin-covered crotch they cram onto the screen in each frame, the better the limp-wristed guitarfluff background music seems to sound! By the end of the dry-air-humping sequence, you'll be scouring eBay for your very own copy of the soundtrack!

Slumber Party Sluts Spread 4 U (YouTubeClip)

LINNEA QUIGLEY'S HORROR WORKOUT is not rocket science; it's a thinly-veiled excuse for one of the hottest bodies in horror to do what she does best: wear as little as possible in order to maintain her seat in the House of Scream Queens. Linnea's voiceovers are funny, but poorly-executed, and it's clear that she won't be successfully acting her way out of a wet paper bag any time soon, but all of this is really quite irrelevant. HORROR WORKOUT takes two prominent staples from my 1980s upbringing, and combines them in a way that is both fun and unique. And, when Linnea Quigley says "Jump!" the only appropriate response is "Let me get my lube!"

Unfortunately, I can't speak to the efficacy of the actual workout, as my metal-plated bra is in the shop.

3/5 Kitty Skulls: Wait for this one to hit the Bargain Bin (and don't forget the lube!)


Karswell said...

Ah yes, the satin-covered crotch!This is indeed the first and most important ingrediant in any proper "work-out" tape. You mention how terrible the music is, ever see this workout that utilizes a giant Phantasm Flying Sphere?

It's a foot/leg freak wet dream and loaded with tons o'crotch, plus it's got a great song that sounds like GBV with Danzig singing called "Headless Body Found in Topless Bar."

Kitty LeClaw said...

this workout that utilizes a giant Phantasm Flying Sphere

Why is that lady wearing my dead Grandfathers' underwear?

Heh. Baggy Waggy Whities!

The Vicar of VHS said...

What filth we find on the internet these days! I'm shocked, Kitty, SHOCKED that you have sullied your eyes with such a video as this!

Wherever could you have POSSIBLY come across such a thing?


In all seriousness, though, Linnea is one of the greats. There's a short...well, okay, rather lengthy list of women who helped the Vicar through his adolescent frustrations, IYKWIM, and after Barbara Crampton, Ms. Quigley is right up there.

Good to know she tried to do her part to whip us into zombie-fightin' shape. From the looks of things, Lita Ford may have taken some of her lessons. ;P

(Nota Bene: Lita == also on The List.)

Karswell said...

>SHOCKED that you have sullied your eyes with such a video as this!

Hahaha... oh how little we know about LeClaw.

Kitty LeClaw said...

Barbara Crampton

Scream & Ironic Last Name Queen. She used to eff shit up good and propa on THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL, as well.

oh how little we know about LeClaw

The Awful Truth is becoming clearer by the day, I fear!

Lily Strange said...

And it inspired this.

Mr. Xploit, Esquire said...

Oooh I love baggy underwear! But that horror workout video seriously is weird-ass. odd odd odd. I wish I owned it though.