Showing posts with label 2/5 Kitty Skulls. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2/5 Kitty Skulls. Show all posts

Monday, November 9, 2009

Paranormal Activity (2009)




Dear Katie and Micah:

Quit your blubbering. I've seen more harrowing hauntings on my local public
access channel. Seriously!

Sincerely,

Kitty LeClaw


I thought I would have learned my lesson by now. Never, never, never, never, ever buy into the hype. I'm also making a mental note to stop buying tickets. I'd much rather take my chances with the 15 year old usher than shell out another precious, Canadian dollar on disappointing film fare. This kind of crap is the reason why video piracy is so rampant. To be totally honest, I'm not even sure Paranormal Activity is worth the cost of a blank DVD.

Just because it was shot on a handi-cam, does't make it real. I thought the trick worked for The Blair Witch Project, because at the time, it was a new trick. Film something really cheaply, call it "footage," and wait for the big budget release. As much as TBWP has been shat upon in recent years, I still feel that everyone involved did a commendable job in getting the viewer to believe they were being treated to a unique experiment in voyeurism. At times, I really did feel as though I was watching home movies of Heather, Mike, and Josh being hunted by a dark presence in the woods.

Did I believe that Katie and Micah were really being terrorized in their home by a demonic entity? Absolutely not. Now that I have seen Paranormal Activity, the only thing I can say about it with any certainty is that Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat should have been left to rot in whatever cut-rate acting school the production team busted them loose from. So, how did I make it through night after night after night of watching them wake up every time something went "bump," only to fall right back asleep? Popcorn. My local theatre makes really killer popcorn.




Almost from the very beginning, I saw this movie as little more than an attempt to cash in on the success of A&E's popular series Paranormal State. I've actually seen creepier hauntings featured on that show, and it never causes me to suffer any longer than an hour. The only thing missing was Ryan's weekly refrain: "In the name of Jesus Christ -- demon be gone!"

For the life of me, I can't figure out why people got so excited about watching two people sleep for 86 minutes, especially given the fact that Katie never once unleashed those powerful sweater puppets of hers. If you're really that anxious to give away your money, give it to me, and I'll come to your house and slam all the doors you can handle.




2/5 Kitty Skulls = This movie should have been aborted in the first trimester.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Karla (2006)


Caution: Spoilers Galore

This film, directed by Joel Bender, was released amid a considerable amount of opposition from the Canadian public, especially those who had been somehow touched by the brutal crimes of Paul Bernardo and his wife, Karla Homolka, either by relation, geography, or a profound sense of compassion for their young victims. Society in general seems to be comfortable enough with the idea of violent films, just so long as the facts and details don't "glorify" the real thing.

Karla was released nationwide, though it was not shown in the areas where the crimes had actually occurred, out of respect for the victims and their families. I can recall a fair amount of debate about whether or not it was appropriate to see a film (and thus support its creators financially) about such tragic, and unfortunately real events. I watched the movie out of sheer curiosity, having followed the story as many other Canadians did at the time; after all, it was a sensational case, and the media was eating it all up, in spite of a Canada-wide publication ban until legal proceedings had ceased.



The film opens with a narrated letter to Karla (Laura Prepon) from her psychiatrist, Dr. Arnold (Patrick Bauchau). Having served 8 years of her 12 year prison sentence for her part in the abduction and murder of Tina McCarthy and Kaitlyn Ross*, she will soon be eligible for parole, pending an extensive evaluation of her current mental state. Surrounded by the imposing atmosphere of the prison, the two make small talk as though they are old friends meeting over coffee. Karla informs her doctor that she has recently obtained her degree (in Psychology, from Queen's University in Kingston, Ontario) via correspondence, and he commends her on this accomplishment before directing their conversation down darker avenues. He presents her with a photo album full of pictures of her ex-husband, Paul Bernardo (Misha Collins), and she begins to tell him how they came to fall in love.



Paul and Karla meet at a hotel bar while she is attending a pet care convention on behalf of the pet store she works for. Hours after they meet, she brings him up to her room for a night of wild sex, while their friends look on uncomfortably. Soon after that night, Karla brings him back to her parents house for even more sex, and produces a set of handcuffs for Paul to place on her.

"What if I were a rapist?" he asks her, after binding her arms and pushing her down on the bed. "That'd be cool," she replies, her voice a sultry whisper. The film ends with a white-washed, lazy zoom in on Karla's face. She is staring straight ahead, eyes blank, while her voice provides a narrative in which she bluntly states that she is not a psychopath.

If I didn't know anything about the actual case of Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka, I would probably say that this was a satisfactory movie. It was reasonably well-filmed, adequately-paced, and decently-acted. The material was violent, and at times even downright disturbing. The film definitely had a low-budget feel to it, like a made-for-TV movie, but in spite of that, I still found myself on the edge of my seat a number of times as I watched it. Also, I must admit that I was anxious to see what That 70's Girl would do with such a meaty role as that of Killer Karla.



While I must give credit to Laura Prepon for successfully swabbing her 70's show character from my brain while I was engaged in this picture, I don't think she was the right choice for this role. Physically speaking, Homolka and Prepon look nothing alike: Prepon being tall with an athletic build, while Homolka stood much shorter in stature and was by most accounts rather "diminuitive" looking. Homolka was also much more of a girly-girl than Prepon, who at times seems almost masculine to me, with her husky voice and deadpan delivery.

Moreover, both of the young women who played the victims of the gruesome twosome, Kristin Honey and Sarah Foret, outshone all the other players in this film by far. The two girls did an extremely good job making such utterly agonizing situations appear real enough for the viewer so as to gain their sympathy. Sarah Foret stood out a little further in her role, her star shining even more brightly, perhaps due in part to the fact that her character had more time with the Bernardo's on-screen, as well as in reality.



Misha Collins was acceptable in the role of Paul Bernardo. I had a hard time believing him as a serial rapist-slash-murderer, but that was part of Bernardo's thing in the first place: the fact that nobody could believe that such a "normal," even charming man could do such terrible things. He was the boy next door! Collins' role was clearly secondary to that of Ms. Prepon, and really didn't factor all that heavily into the overall feel of the film. The movie is named after Karla, after all.

Given that I do know a considerable amount about the case (due mostly to Stephen Williams' book Invisible Darkness), I found it absolutely appalling that the filmmakers decided to portray Homolka in the same manner in which the Canadian justice system had: as an unwilling participant in her husband's heinous crimes, after having been verbally, psychologically, and physically abused into submission. In spite of mountainous evidence to the contrary, Karla Homolka has been victimized as much in this film as in the courts and media. Clearly, I was very disappointed. Clearly, I was expecting a fresh (and perhaps more accurate) point of view.


2/5 Kitty Skulls = This movie should have been aborted in the first trimester.




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ENDNOTES
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* Substituted for the names of the teenage victims. The name of Karla's psychiatrist, Dr. Arnold has also been changed.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Witchery: Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff's Greatest Shame


Caution: Spoilers Galore

As previously posted, I recently found a copy of Witchery, a movie I hadn't seen since I was a very young girl. I have always maintained vivid recollections of certain parts of the movie (I can't bring myself to call it a "film"), but couldn't piece together all the frayed bits of fabric floating around in my mind... Until I watched it for the first time in 20+ years. For nostalgic value, I hunted down the cover image from the videocassette that I remember for the purposes of this "review."

I could have gone through the motions of writing a review for this movie, but I couldn't imagine it being very entertaining to read. The plot didn't even make sense, much less captivate. I decided that it would be a great deal more beneficial for all concerned parties if I posted a review: in pictures instead.

So, without any further caterwauling, I present to you: Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff's Greatest Shame.



Leslie wants Gary (The Hoff) to help her unlock a mystery about a strange "witches' light" reported in the area. They are squatting in an abandoned hotel on a deserted island rumored to be inhabited by an evil woman. Leslie (Leslie Cumming) is in the midst of translating an old German text (though she seems to have her share of difficulty with the English language), and she has brought Gary along with her to take photographs of the mysterious phenomena. Gary couldn't care less about pictures; he just wants to bust Leslie's Cherry.


Wouldn't you know it? This crazy, old lady (Hildegard Knef) is squatting in the hotel, too! The family that has just bought the hotel to be renovated and converted into a getaway for rich people didn't have the balls to throw her out, and she was left run wild about the grounds, killing pretty much everyone in sight with her wicked, wicked witchcraft.


The poor, old fisherman gets it first! This guy's boat represents the last chance to get outta dodge for the new owners of the hotel, their children (one is, like, 5 years old, while the other appears to be in her 30's -- go figure that one out), and the working stiffs they brought to the island with them. After the Witch Bitch strings this poor sucker up, she ghost drives his boat away from the island, stranding everybody.



Meanwhile, inside the hotel, weird shit starts happening. Jane (Linda Blair) drops her I Can't Believe That I'm Preggers pills in the bathtub, and gets pulled into a crazy, red vortex when she reaches her hand into the nasty-ass water to pull them out. Why she'd still be interested in her pills after they had been soaking in a pool of disgusting filth is beyond me, but nevertheless...

Once inside the crazy, red vortex, Jane sees a bunch of mentally ill homeless-looking people writhing around, gnawing on flesh, and she is never quite the same for it once she regains consciousness in the presence of her family. They all look down at her like, "Woah! Jane! You crazy, knocked-up bitch!" but she knows that something not of this world pulled her into that bathtub.





Here, we have Jane's mother (Annie Ross), and this was the only way they could get the old hag to shut her mouth. Jane's mom is the second victim of the crazy, red vortex, but she doesn't get off as easily as her daughter did. The mentally ill homeless-looking people are at it again, and this time, they brought a needle and thread! At this point, the viewer endures what seems like an eternity watching the riffraff stitching this lady's lips shut. This is one of the images I mentioned earlier that have remained etched into my memory, and it is easy to see why. I actually thought the effects used in this scene (and several others) were quite good.

After mummy is all stitched up, she is left to dangle upside-down and just out-of-sight above the fireplace. Before too long, her family members decide that it's getting cold, and they light a flame. "What's that smell? I think it's... MOM!" That's pretty much the way it goes down, only they don't realize the error of their ways, and mummy ends up being roasted all the way to well done.





This is one of the working stiffs (Frank Cammarata), the real estate agent about to close the deal on the hotel... or, so he thought! He was doing something he shouldn't have been doing, so he got nailed to a wooden cross, inverted, and then burned alive.





This is the other working stiff (Catherine Hickland, who was married to The Hoff when this picture was filmed), an architect, who looks markedly better in her underwear than in her cheap, 1980's polyester suit. She's blonde, she's beautiful, and she's a bimbo. Surprise! Her and the real estate agent wind up smack in the middle of the crazy, red vortex while the two of them are getting it on. To repent for her slutty sins, the mentally ill homeless-looking people force her to begin taking a more hands-off approach to her work.




Jane's dad (Robert Champagne) is the next one to go (I think). His veins start inexplicably throbbing and bursting all over the place, and D-Hoff, I mean Gary, can't help but get caught in the line of squirt.






While Gary is downstairs finger painting with Jane's dad's red essence, Satan himself (Ely Coughlin) is upstairs fucking his girlfriend, the virginal Leslie. You guessed it: she done gone into the crazy, red vortex! I wasn't entirely certain that the guy with the drippy mouth was supposed to be Satan, but the credit roll confirmed my vague suspicion. Really, he isn't all that much more impressive than the rest of the mentally ill homeless-looking people who live inside Vortexland.

Is it just me, or does he look a little bit like Winnie the Pooh after he's been feeding his face with honey?



Is that Cyndi Lauper? Nope, it's just Linda Blair, being possessed again. This scene represents one of several obvious nods to Blair's most noteworthy project, The Exorcist, that I found lurking within the frames of Witchery.

This movie is a far cry indeed from William Friedken's masterpiece based on the novel by William Peter Blatty, but that didn't stop anyone from allowing cheeseball role reversals/reprisals to appear in this film. For starters, the movie was known as Witchcraft: Return of The Exorcist in the Philippines, although not a single Bible was opened in production, nor a single demon cast out. In the scene pictured above, Jane (looking somewhat Regan-ish in her weird, new wave makeup and wacky hairstyle) turns her head to face the camera in a way ever-so-reminiscent of the famous headspin she completes in The Exorcist.

The Death of D-Hoff

Let's take this one nice and slow...


Happy & Carefree


This never happened on Baywatch! Hoooobieeeee!



Yup, that be the Deathblow.


"Michael, you appear to be slain."
"I know that, Kitt! Fuck off!"



OMG!

Which brings us to the Mother of All Cheeseball Exorcist Ripoffs... How did I know that Linda Blair's character was going to fling herself out the window? Within the first few minutes of the movie, the camera not-so-casually reveals an ominous-looking broken window at the end of a long hallway.

I wasn't exactly splitting the atom when I thought to myself, "Hmm, it almost looks like they're setting this whole thing up to end with Linda Blair going out that window, just like in The Exorcist, but a complete role reversal! How positively droll!"




Yes, right. "Droll." That's exactly what this movie is.


2/5 Kitty Skulls = This movie should have been aborted in the first trimester.





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LINK-O-MATIC
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Wax On Wax Hoff: Someone with an infinite supply of awesome created this way-fun game in which the player gets the honour of waxing D-Hoff's chest.