Monday, November 9, 2009

Paranormal Activity (2009)

Dear Katie and Micah:

Quit your blubbering. I've seen more harrowing hauntings on my local public
access channel. Seriously!


Kitty LeClaw

I thought I would have learned my lesson by now. Never, never, never, never, ever buy into the hype. I'm also making a mental note to stop buying tickets. I'd much rather take my chances with the 15 year old usher than shell out another precious, Canadian dollar on disappointing film fare. This kind of crap is the reason why video piracy is so rampant. To be totally honest, I'm not even sure Paranormal Activity is worth the cost of a blank DVD.

Just because it was shot on a handi-cam, does't make it real. I thought the trick worked for The Blair Witch Project, because at the time, it was a new trick. Film something really cheaply, call it "footage," and wait for the big budget release. As much as TBWP has been shat upon in recent years, I still feel that everyone involved did a commendable job in getting the viewer to believe they were being treated to a unique experiment in voyeurism. At times, I really did feel as though I was watching home movies of Heather, Mike, and Josh being hunted by a dark presence in the woods.

Did I believe that Katie and Micah were really being terrorized in their home by a demonic entity? Absolutely not. Now that I have seen Paranormal Activity, the only thing I can say about it with any certainty is that Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat should have been left to rot in whatever cut-rate acting school the production team busted them loose from. So, how did I make it through night after night after night of watching them wake up every time something went "bump," only to fall right back asleep? Popcorn. My local theatre makes really killer popcorn.

Almost from the very beginning, I saw this movie as little more than an attempt to cash in on the success of A&E's popular series Paranormal State. I've actually seen creepier hauntings featured on that show, and it never causes me to suffer any longer than an hour. The only thing missing was Ryan's weekly refrain: "In the name of Jesus Christ -- demon be gone!"

For the life of me, I can't figure out why people got so excited about watching two people sleep for 86 minutes, especially given the fact that Katie never once unleashed those powerful sweater puppets of hers. If you're really that anxious to give away your money, give it to me, and I'll come to your house and slam all the doors you can handle.

2/5 Kitty Skulls = This movie should have been aborted in the first trimester.


Price said...

Aborted twice! I was so supremely disappointed in this movie. Maybe I went in with too much hype in my head? Or maybe it was the standard awful and "let's laugh at the wrong parts and scream like morons" New York City nighttime movie crowd? Shit sandwich.

Kitty LeClaw said...

I dragged some friends to see this, and I feel pretty awful about it now.

Aborted twice, re-animated, and then tossed in a blender. On "liquify."

Tenebrous Kate said...

A-frikkin'-men, girlfriend. I thought I was one of only four people in America who hated this movie. Now I realize I am one of *five* people in *North America" who hated this movie. I'll have my stopwatch on, counting the moments till the PA Apologist Squad shows up here to correct the error of your movie-watching ways. You can come sit at MY lunch table anytime, though, cupcake.

Kitty LeClaw said...

Honestly, Kate, the only tense moment in this movie for me was the panic attack I almost had, thinking it would never end. It was even worse than the first SAW film -- at least Cary Elwes' ineptitude made me laugh!

Lily Strange said...

Oh jeez, another "reality" movie. I thought the Blair Witch Project was stupid too. I really wanted Heather to just freaking shut up and die in that movie. However, when I heard her in an interview she seemed really nice and not at all whiny.

Kitty LeClaw said...

Lily: I rather liked TBWP. I left the theatre feeling satisfied, but it's definitely not the sort of movie that lends itself to multiple viewings. Once was more than enough! And the sequel... PE-EW!

Poor Heather. Who knew that leaking snot from one's nose on the big screen would equal career suicide?

Obed said...

It wasn't that bad. Cry baby. :)

Kitty LeClaw said...

I think I'm going to submit The Brain That Controls to the producers of this film. There may be hope for a theatrical release yet, if this is what passes for "entertainment."

The Costuminatrix said...

Aha, not one but TWO ladies (Kate being the other) with impeccable horror viewing taste (or bad taste, 'cos that's the way I like it) have given this the ixnay! I think that gives me ample reason for resisting the call to drink the milk to see if it's sour, which I normally do with terrible movies.

Kitty LeClaw said...

Sour milk is best consumed at home. There's just no way of knowing where those public toilets have been, in case it starts coming back up.

kindertrauma said...

Agree verbatim. I have Paranormal State's Chip Coffee on speed dial and I would have called him as soon as the first door slammed.

Also I hate selective fires that only burn the edges of photos.

Love when the claws are out kitty!- Unk

Kitty LeClaw said...

When Chip gets possessed and starts cussing at Ryan... So Totally Awesome.