The Kids in the Hall: Death Comes to Town [2010]

Canadian Comedic Royalty, The Kids in the Hall, brought a painful 15-year drought to a most gruesome end this year with the debut of their eight part miniseries, Death Comes to Town.

This delightfully different offering from the daring darlings of sketch comedy focuses on the curiosity cabinet that is Shuckton, a small (fictional*) town with a big dream to one day host the Olympics. All the usual cross-dressing, gender-bending, and dark, dark humour that KITH fans have come to expect from the 5-man troupe is mixed liberally with... brutal murder!!! Yes, that's right -- it's a good, old-fashioned whodunnit, KITH-style!

Star hockey player turned 600 lb. shut-in, Ricky Jarvis (Bruce McCulloch) is determined to catch the killer, before Death comes for him, too! For such a seemingly quiet little town, the people of Shuckton sure have an awful lot of skeletons stashed away in their closets. The murderer could be any one of a handful of people, and with Death literally nipping at his heels, Ricky must act quickly to solve the mystery. Marnie (Kevin McDonald), the "fuzzy" pizza delivery lady, is Ricky's sleuthing partner. She acts as his "eyes and ears" until he is able to lose enough weight to leave his house for the first time in years.

The murder investigation centers around a number of shady characters. Petty criminal and germ gel addict Crim Hollingsworth (Scott Thompson**), who happens to be 1/16 Native, is arrested after he is found covered in the victim's blood -- but he has no memory of committing the crime. Dusty Diamond, the town coroner (Thompson), seems to have an obsessive homoerotic fixation with the recently deceased, which is definitely suspicious. Heather Weather (Thompson), Shuckton's aging barometric bombshell, was having an affair with the victim, and is known to have a viciously vengeful streak. And then there's the victim's wife, Marilyn (Dave Foley), a closet drinker, who stood to gain a great deal in the event of her husband's demise...

As the citizens of Shuckton struggle to sort out amongst themselves who is responsible for the grisly, bludgeoning death of one of their own, the viewer is privy to information about who the real culprit is... Death Himself (played by Mark McKinney). Death carries a bitter hatred for the brainless, bumbling citizens of Shuckton, and would savour nothing more than to see every last one of them laid six feet beneath the Earth. Scythe in hand, he is ready to kick some serious ass.

While the work The Kids in the Hall did in their long-running (1988-1995) eponymous television series is virtually untouchable in terms of groundbreaking comedic genius, Death Comes to Town was greatly successful in providing an alternate venue for the showcasing of the Kids' unbeatable chemistry, without detracting in any way from the legacy of the original show. Hardcore fans will be happy to see some classic characters (such as the dumbass OPP Cops, The Chicken Lady, and towel-clad Bellini), while undoubtedly forming lasting relationships with the new ones created exclusively for Death Comes to Town.

Sadly, there are no plans to extend the series beyond the original 8 episodes. The Kids in the Hall have individually noted that they have no plans to return to the studio to reprise the roles which made them famous. Death Comes to Town aired it's final episode on CBC March 16, 2010.



5/5 Kitty Skulls..... Pick of the litter!

_________________

NOTES

* Death Comes to Town was largely shot in North Bay, Ontario (CA). Kitty has relatives there, but doubts they woke up at the crack of dawn to chase the guys for autographs, as she almost certainly would have.

** While I thought he looked fantastic in Death Comes to Town, it is worth noting that Scott Thompson (Dusty Diamond, Crim Hollingsworth, Heather Weather) was diagnosed with inoperable stomach cancer in early 2009. To the credit of one of the funniest men in Canada, Thompson reports that he is cancer free after undergoing four months of radiation therapy and six rounds of chemo. Cheers to a happy, healthy, productive (more stuff with the troupe -- pleeeease!) future for the irreplaceable "Buddy Cole"!

Hockey Night in Shuckton
(stick-slappin' fun game to play online)

Don't Deliver Us From Evil (1971)

Caution: Spoilers Galore

Shipped off to religious boarding school by parents who ignored them, budding young women Anne de Boissy (Jeanne Goupil) and Lore Fournier (Catherine Wagener) became the closest of friends. Each night while in the convent, they would secretly share Anne's bed to read steamy passages together underneath the sheets. They exploited every opportunity afforded them to do wrong. Things they liked to do for fun included breaking rules, mocking Christianity, torturing pets, composing dark literature, and leading men into temptation. Together, they were preparing a very special ceremony to renounce Christ, and commit their lives to doing evil.

"Lore and me get such pleasure when we do
something wrong. To sin has become our chief aim.
Let the other idiots live their lives doing good.
We shall dedicate our lives to Satan, our Lord and Master."

As one might expect, all Hell breaks loose when Anne's parents, the Count and Countess, go away for the summer, leaving Anne all alone in the chateau, but for a few servants. Satan's willing, young slaves use this time to engage in some of their favourite pastimes, like arson, and leading even more men into temptation.

The beautiful Lore uses her god-given attributes to drive unsuspecting gents into a state of mad lust. Ample servings of sleaze follow the girls through several uncomfortable encounters of coerced near-rape for the purposes of fulfilling their Satanic mantra. What truly shook the foundations of this particular viewer was the way in which the diabolical duo leaped from one dangerously evil venture to another with blatant disregard for even their own personal safety. Clearly, these young women were not merely playing at evil. They were ready to give their very lives for it.

Ultimately, their summer of reckless abandon catches up with them. Lore breaks down before her friend, admitting that she is afraid of being caught, imprisoned, and separated from Anne. The dark, exotic beauty reassures the delicate, sobbing blonde that they will never be parted.

"When this fleeting life is done,
we will be together forever."

Mais ne Nous Délivrez Pas du Mal (Don't Deliver Us from Evil) is a taut, sleazy horror drama from French writer/director Joël Séria, based loosely on the notoriously fatal friendship of Pauline Parker and Juliet Hulme. The pair made shocking headlines in 1954 when they murdered Parker's mother after making plans to escape to the United States to work together in literature and film. Parker and Hulme's bizarre escapades were detailed in the Academy Award-winning Peter Jackson film Heavenly Creatures.

Although the American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has yet to recognize Séria's efforts in re-telling the story with a Satanic twist, Don't Deliver Us from Evil is a certified cult cinema classic, brought back to life (with subtitles!) by the good folks at Mondo Macabro. Many thanks to Karswell for contributing this titillating title to the Killer Kittens library!

5/5 Kitty Skulls = Pick of the litter!

The Devil's Nightmare (1974)

Caution: Spoilers Galore

Jean Brismée's La Plus Longue Nuit du Diable (The Devil's Nightmare) opens in Nazi Germany, with a birth and a baby killing. Baron Von Rhoneberg (Jean Servais) pulls a dagger from its sheath, and skewers his daughter within minutes of her birth. With a great war raging over land, sea, and sky, I suppose he figured nobody would notice the execution of just one baby.

The viewer time-travels to present day 1974. A group of seven impossibly-linked travelers are forced to spend the night in Von Rhoneberg's gothic castle due to a blockage of the main road. The tourists are a diverse lot. Father Alvin Sorel (Jacques Monseau) is a handsome priest with an honourable dedication to the virtues of the cross, and an admirable resistance of the pleasures of the flesh. Howard and Nancy are an unhappily married couple, bound together by money rather than any sort of romantic feelings toward one another. Erotic tension is provided by Regine (the Blonde Bombshell) and Corinne (the Brunette Bimbo), a pair of strikingly-beautiful girls with decidedly lesbionic tendencies. Mason is a formidably un-sexy, bespectacled old geezer, and rounding out the bottom of the barrel is Ducha, a greasy sweatball in a cheap suit.

Upon arrival at the castle, Nazi Lurch shows the guests to their rooms, taking great care to make them aware of the "gruesome stories" attached to each one. Evidently, Von Rhoneberg's staff have much to learn about running a successful bed and breakfast!

A beautiful, auburn-haired woman named Lisa Müller (Erika Blanc) arrives late to the castle, asking to be put up for the night. By the way the Von Rhoneberg's servant greets her, the viewer is left with the impression that the lovely Lisa has some sort of history with the Baron. She changes into her best floor-length gown with the stomach cut out, and joins the rest of the guests for dinner. All points considered, Lisa seems the perfect candidate to fulfill the Von Rhoneberg Curse of the Succubus that the Baron not-so-subtly mentioned to his house guests earlier.

Demons that adopt feminine appearances
in order to seduce men and lead them to perdition.

For the architecture nuts out there, here are a few neat-o features the old castle boasted. Talk about well-appointed!

• a nifty alchemy lab in the basement (which the Baron uses to seek out "philosophical truths," and also to make gold)
  
• a tortured cat in the attic
  
• a sarcophagus (which functions suspiciously like an iron maiden)
  
• a guillotine
  
• wallpaper that matched the bedspread (in every room)

When the castle guests retire to their rooms for the night is when the fun really begins! Lisa the Succubus (or Lisabus, if you will) focuses her attention on the dashing, young priest. I suspect the soul of a clergyman fetches a much higher price in Hell than that of an Everyday Joe. Showing impeccable control over both his mind and his sex organs, Father Sorel resists temptation. Lisabus will have to return later to make a second attempt at Seduction of the Innocent...

Can't you talk about anything else, besides succubuses?

Seduction of the Fab Slob, Seduction of the Married Douche, and Seduction of the Brunette Bimbo go a lot more smoothly for Lisabus. The Slob consumes one too many glasses of poisonous demon wine. The Douche and the Brunette Bimbo sneak off to find a quiet place to fornicate, and instead wind up losing a battle to the guillotine and the iron maiden, respectively. Mrs. Douche's greed for the Baron's gold leads to her untimely demise, and the Geezer, being a geezer, can only run so fast. Meanwhile, Blondie's see-thru nightie is no match for the massive python conjured by Lisabus!

This is a very weird castle... Very weird, indeed!

Father Sorel finally sees Lisabus for what she truly is, in the midst of a steamy, slow-strip seduction sequence. Perhaps if he kisses his rosary an appropriate number of times, and thrusts it at the demon just so...?

The Devil's Nightmare is a shining example of what a Satano-themed 1970's cult film should be. Briskly paced, brilliantly scored, and remarkably well acted, this Belgian-Italian co-production delivers the very best in late-night horror delight. Even the Devil himself (Daniel Emilfork) drops by to join in the fun and frolic! I proudly submit The Devil's Nightmare as my 100th post.

5/5 Kitty Skulls = Pick of the litter!

Paranormal Activity (2009)

Dear Katie and Micah:

Quit your blubbering. I've seen more harrowing hauntings on my local public
access channel. Seriously!

Sincerely,

Kitty LeClaw


I thought I would have learned my lesson by now. Never, never, never, never, ever buy into the hype. I'm also making a mental note to stop buying tickets. I'd much rather take my chances with the 15 year old usher than shell out another precious, Canadian dollar on disappointing film fare. This kind of crap is the reason why video piracy is so rampant. To be totally honest, I'm not even sure Paranormal Activity is worth the cost of a blank DVD.

Just because it was shot on a handi-cam, does't make it real. I thought the trick worked for The Blair Witch Project, because at the time, it was a new trick. Film something really cheaply, call it "footage," and wait for the big budget release. As much as TBWP has been shat upon in recent years, I still feel that everyone involved did a commendable job in getting the viewer to believe they were being treated to a unique experiment in voyeurism. At times, I really did feel as though I was watching home movies of Heather, Mike, and Josh being hunted by a dark presence in the woods.

Did I believe that Katie and Micah were really being terrorized in their home by a demonic entity? Absolutely not. Now that I have seen Paranormal Activity, the only thing I can say about it with any certainty is that Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat should have been left to rot in whatever cut-rate acting school the production team busted them loose from. So, how did I make it through night after night after night of watching them wake up every time something went "bump," only to fall right back asleep? Popcorn. My local theatre makes really killer popcorn.

Almost from the very beginning, I saw this movie as little more than an attempt to cash in on the success of A&E's popular series Paranormal State. I've actually seen creepier hauntings featured on that show, and it never causes me to suffer any longer than an hour. The only thing missing was Ryan's weekly refrain: "In the name of Jesus Christ -- demon be gone!"

For the life of me, I can't figure out why people got so excited about watching two people sleep for 86 minutes, especially given the fact that Katie never once unleashed those powerful sweater puppets of hers. If you're really that anxious to give away your money, give it to me, and I'll come to your house and slam all the doors you can handle.

2/5 Kitty Skulls = This movie should have been aborted in the first trimester.

Satan's School for Girls (1973)

Caution: Spoilers Galore

Young, blonde, beautiful Martha Sayers (Terry Lumley) is desperate to find her sister, Elizabeth. An old caretaker finds her pounding frantically on Elizabeth's door, and kindly lets her in to the apartment. Once inside, she takes great care to lock the door behind her, and close all the drapes. It is as though she is hiding from someone, or something. An unseen entity approaches, and Martha emits a bloodcurdling scream.

Elizabeth (Pamela Franklin) returns home later to find the place swarming with cops, and her sister hanging dead from the ceiling. Refusing to accept the police's suicide theory, she decides to undertake her own investigation.

Elizabeth travels to the Salem Academy of Fine Arts, where her sister has been studying. She hopes that someone at the school can provide her with some insight into her sister's final days. She opts to go undercover, and meets with the Headmistress (Jo Van Fleet) in order to enroll as a student herself. She tells no one of her relationship to the late Martha Sayers.

Girls of good breeding are more easily groomed
into young ladies of culture and refinement.

Elizabeth begins to notice all kinds of weird shit almost immediately, beginning with a gloomy portrait of her dead sister painted by Debbie (Jamie Smith-Jackson), one of her new classmates at the Academy. Rat Mind Control and Manipulation class with Professor Delacroix (Lloyd Bochner) proves highly enlightening for Elizabeth, as well. And then, another suicide... WTF is going on at this goddamned school???

A mind can be broken to any level
by manipulation, and locked on any level...
make it believe what we want, and act as we wish.

Elizabeth's new friend, Roberta (Kate Jackson), tells her of the macabre history of Salem Academy. Eight young women accused of practicing Witchcraft were supposedly hung in the cellar of the building, which was reputed to be nearly 300 years old. The two girls seem to be coming to the realization that their is much truth in the old addage: they don't make 'em like they used to.

As luck would have it, the handsome art teacher, Professor Clampett (Roy Thinnes) is Malleus Maleforicum: The Hammer of Witches!!! But some just call him Satan. Roberta is in cahoots with him, along with six other girls - plus Elizabeth - mirroring the 8 girls hung as witches back in the burning times! Ain't nothing like a good, old fashioned sacrifice!

I welcome what man rejects.
I beckon what man despises.
I forgive what man will not.

While I am not going to blow the ending for you, I will divulge that it's a real scorcher of a climax/finale. Fans of 1970's TV-Cinema might recall this nicely-plotted, well-acted boob tube drama from Creature from the Black Lagoon screenwriter Arthur A. Ross. Satan's School for Girls was directed by David Lowell Rich, and produced by Aaron Spelling. The old coot was so pleased with the pairing of Kate Jackson and Cheryl Ladd (who played Jody, one of the witch girls) that he recast them together in the mega-hit Charlie's Angels.

Thanks to Karswell for including this tasty, television terror-fest in that big ole box of horriffic burns!





4/5 Kitty Skulls = Video Cocaine!

Warlock Moon (1975)

Caution: Spoilers Galore

When college student Jenny Macallister (Laurie Walters) is comically accosted by an oddball wearing a disguise and speaking in a bizarre accent, she should have just walked away. Perhaps finding his schtick amusing, she sticks around long enough to allow him to propose that they go on a picnic together. In a brown paper bag, he's got a jug of wine, a load of bananas, and a piece of bread. What more could a girl ask for?

After some hesitation, Jenny decides to go with the effervescent John Devers (Joe Spano) out to a deserted spa, located 5 miles or so past the middle of nowhere. John seems like a regular guy, and can't really be blamed for wanting to get Jenny alone. After all, she's a beautiful girl in the prime of her life, and she's not wearing a bra. Soon, however, the pair discover that they are not alone when they encounter a fiesty, old crone, who appears to be squatting in the abandoned Soda Spring Spa spa.

The hag introduces herself as Agnes Abercrombie (Edna MacAfee), and provides them with a convenient history of the place over a hot cup of hypno-tea. Before long, Jenny is hearing voices and feeling dizzy. She stays back to rest while John and Mrs. Abercrombie explore the rest of the old spa.




The strange voices, and quick-moving figures she sees at the edge of her sight lead her on an exploratory mission of her own. By and by, she comes to understand that not everything at the Soda Spring Spa is quite as it seems. Jenny is glad when they finally get back into John's car and head back into the city. She never wants to return.

A few days later, John displays his unconventional personality once again when appears out of nowhere, and pounces on an unsuspecting Jenny while she is relaxing alone in a park. Although she is wearing a powerfully awesome poncho, she is unable to resist his allure as he begs her to return with him once again to the Soda Spring Spa. He explains to her that he is a journalist, and has been given the opportunity to write a story about the strange and fascinating place. After a pinch of whining, Jenny gives in to his request. The date is set.

Jenny arrives first to the spa the next day, and has the opportunity to engage in a most enlightening conversation with an old hunter (who just happens to be lurking about outside). After he almost blows her head off, the jowly, old man regales her with a frightening tale in which the former cook of the Soda Spring Spa cooked the hotel owner's daughter and served her to the guests at a lavish banquet. Heavy shit.



Heavier still: the old man promptly gets cut down by an axe-wielding maniac promptly following his exchange with Jenny. Perhaps in the next life, he won't be so forthcoming with his cannibalistic conspiracy theories?

John finally shows up at the spa, which for poor Jenny means more of Mrs. Abercrombie's hypno-tea. Then come more the weird voices, which compel her to explore dark places filled with high-speed ghosts and axe-grinding madmen. Jenny is being hunted... for the bizarre, sadistic practices of a blood cult!!!

She must die between midnight and six
in the morning, not a second before or after...

Most importantly, the circle.
She must enter it without us forcing her.

Not entirely surprisingly, John is in on it with the crone. The Axeman and his equally-psychotic buddy, Longhair, serve as "overanxious" helpers. Does the wily Jenny have what it takes to escape the evil Mrs. Abercrombie and her cronies..?

Warlock Moon shares an "eerily similar" plot the wildly-popular Tobe Hooper film, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. In his Media Blasters DVD forward, Joe Bob Briggs alludes to some "polite thievery" which may have occurred surrounding the two films, which were released within months of each other. In the end, an axe-wielding maniac is marginally less frightening than a chainsaw-wielding maniac, and in like fashion, one film flopped while the other made movie history.

It's a shame that Warlock Moon (aka Bloody Spa) ultimately failed to reach it's audience. Killer Kittens From Beyond The Grave thinks it's a fab frightener, most deserving of a trip to a rental joint near you!




4/5 Kitty Skulls = Video Cocaine!

Neil Gaiman's Coraline

As is often the case, the book was far superior to the movie. While brilliantly animated (and presented in 3-D), Director Henry Selick's 2009 release of Coraline failed to capture the essence of the masterfully-crafted story by Neil Gaiman. In spite of the valiant efforts of powerkid Dakota Fanning, and the "Desperate" Teri Hatcher, the film fell flat for me, even before I had something to compare it to.


While Selick's screenplay left me feeling as though adults had toiled feverishly in order to appeal to a child-like perspective, Gaiman's original work effortlessly transported me to a sacred place of wonder and amazement, often only inhabited by the very young and imaginative. In my humble opinion, there is almost nothing worse than grown-ups who bend over backward in order to appear "cool" to the younger generation. Either you're cool or you aren't -- and if you aren't, no amount of research on playground lingo can help you. Fortunately for all the readers out there, young and not-so-young, Neil Gaiman is incredibly cool.



Neil Gaiman is also incredibly English. Although he now lives in the United States, much of his work is full of delicious British colloquialisms, and overall, bears a decidedly English flavour. When I read his work, I imagine everyone speaking like Oliver Twist, even before I've been instructed by the author to do so. Unfortunately, none of this flavour comes through in the motion picture, as the production was highly Americanized in order to appeal to wallets of the west. Teri Hatcher couldn't have produced a believable British accent if her parents were Winston Churchill and Margaret Thatcher!



Interspersed throughout the book's 162 pages is a collection of illustrations by Dave McKean. The drawings are not what one would normally expect to find within a children's book, which is much of what makes them so incredible. Rendered in a ragged, sketchy style, many of the images are downright frightening -- perfect accompaniments to Gaiman's enchanting tale of secret doors, lost children, and a fearsomely-wicked woman. One thousand heartfelt thank-you's to Karswell for gifting me with this delightfully-quirky book!

"We are small but we are many
We are many we are small
We were here before you rose
We will be here when you fall..."