Bay Cove aka Bay Coven [1987]

Caution: Spoilers Galore

What would you say if I told you there was a film that starred Woody Harrelson, Barbara Billingsley*, Jeff Conaway**, and Susan Ruttan***, and that it was about a coven of witches who traded their souls to the Devil for immortality? Do you think that you could handle it? Are you sure? Really?

When I was but a kitten, I got my paws on a VHS bootleg of BAY COVE, a made-for-TV thriller which had been scoffed from Lifetime by a schoolmate of mine. The camera follows an old man as he ambles through a graveyard, and into an impressive cathedral, lit brightly from the inside like a gleaming beacon of salvation. Once inside, the old man begs the attending priest to hear his confession, and to grant him eternal peace. The repenting man releases few details, yet he hints at something powerful, and daunting on the horizon, and then... he is dead. The church is struck by lightning, and the priest goes flying. Talk about one hell of an opening scene!





At this point, the film takes a drastic turn, from Exploding Church Avenue to Yuppie Boulevard. The viewer is introduced to Linda and Jerry Lebon, two up-and-coming newlyweds looking to add some spontenaity to their lives. Linda (Pamela Sue Martin) is a real estate lawyer who just received a big promotion, and Jerry (Tim Matheson) is a desk-bound property developer who misses getting his hands dirty working in the field. When their buddy Slater (Woody Harrelson) drops by the chic, city loft for a visit, they decide to hit a club together, in celebration of Linda's career boon.

"I sure wish I had some Vicodin..."

Inside the club, the viewer gets a sampling of the film's emotionally jarring original soundtrack, along with the mind-blowing star power BAY COVE boasts. The Three Yuppie Amigos meet up with Debbie (Susan Ruttan) and Josh (Jeff Conaway) McGwin, a couple of about the same age who can't seem to stop talking about the beautiful "fixer-upper" they purchased 40 minutes from the city by ferry, on the remote but lovely Devlin Island. While Jerry is fascinated by the prospect of getting away from the rat race, Linda is unconvinced. At last, she agrees to go with him to meet the McGwin's real estate broker.

True to their new friends' words, Devlin Island is beautiful, and definitely remote. The house they are shown, located within a small community called Bay Cove, is truly the material from which fairy tales are made. There is, however, one small glitch: the owner of the house is an old woman who has grown too attached to the place to leave altogether, so she will be living in a small cottage in the backyard. Beatrice Gower (Barbara Billingsley) is a handsome woman; her mouth overflowing with shiny teeth, and sickly sweetness. How could anyone not want June Cleaver for a nosey neighbour? The Lebons put in an offer on the property, and move in immediately.




And then, shit starts to get weird. First, it's the rather Satanically-themed book Linda finds, which apparently belonged to Beatrice's husband, James. Next, there's the Cat People: Nick and Maddy Kline, who are sweet and kind, but make it perfectly clear that the Lebons' mini-canine, Rufus, will not be tolerated on the Island. Nick (James Sikking) always wears the same, crap-chewin' grin (and a bowtie!), while Maddy (Inga Swenson) does all but lift her leg and lick her butt with a scratchy tongue. And, is it paranoia, or do the Klines wear a concerning amount of black clothing? Then, there's the Emergency Rosary Linda finds tucked beneath a board in the windowseat. Last, but definitely not least, there's the old man in the window! The old man in the window! Oh, my God! It's an old man in the window!

While out on an exploratory walk with their new best buddies, the McGwins, Linda shakes loose some of her concerns about the inhabitants of the Island. She spills her guts to Debbie, who insists that "the Klines aren't the only thing that's weird around here." To make matters worse, the Getalong Gang "accidentally" uncover a secret, Satanic cave in the basement of the Devlin Island General Store, which is hands-down the most unsettling bodega I've ever seen.

"Don't look, Rufus. This text is too Satanic for you!"

The Getalong Gang has entered the historic site of the last known witch execution in the United States, where a coven leader named Lucas Nobel was put to death for his choosing of the Left Hand Path. Sparks (almost literally) fly when Jerry reaches out a hand to touch the stake. The coulda-been orgy is brought to an abrupt end when the foul-looking shopkeeper shoos them away for looking at the Devil Shit without paying the $2 fare. But the afternoon really goes into the toilet when the Lebons learn that their beloved dog, Rufus, has been "accidentally" run over by the Kline Mobile.

Now, everyone knows that the best way to grieve the loss of a pet is to host an official Housewarming Party, and the Lebons do just that. The guestlist includes all the creeps and crazies they now live amongst, and their friend Slater from the city. Linda gushes to Slater about all the strange things that had happened to her since she moved to the Island, who resolves to have a look around the place in order to soothe her. He uncovers The Plot of the Very Old Tombstones, and becomes highly suspicious himself. Why hasn't anyone been buried there in 300 years? Why is Linda with that flake Jerry, when she could be with a real man in Harry Potter glasses, and a red scarf with matching cap?

Before Slater heroically solves any mysteries, however. he is called away to see his mother in the hospital. To make the ferry, he must borrow the Klines' Jeep, and it's vroooooooooooooooom! right off a cliff, and kaboooooooooooooom! Slater's dead. God, what a waste.

Harry Potter and the Invisible Highway

After Slater's death, Jerry grows even more distant, and takes a much less active roll in his appearance and hygeine. Linda's last sanctuary is taken from her when her boss at the firm re-assigns her to work on a new zoning project, full-time. The location: Devlin Island!!! Finally, Linda grows suspicious enough about the Island to do something besides bitch and moan. She goes to speak with Bob Holden, the broker who sold them the property. In his place, she finds only Tom Holden, a much older man who looks nothing like the one they dealt with. Even the business card she was given now says "Tom Holden." But...? WTF?

Linda begins to discover that things on Devlin Island are not always what they seem. She goes on a midnight excursion to the old man in the window's lair, in the attic of Nick and Maddy's house. He gestures to her, and she goes to him, as Jerry doesn't appear to be putting out much of the good stuff anymore. Wheelchair Geezer reveals to Linda a most evil, and cunning plot of witchcraft and sacrifice! All the inhabitants of the Island were in on it together, and he feared for her safety.

"A true witch is born, not made!"

Linda has heard enough. She tries to escape the Island before it's too late, but the ferry breaks down, and she is then encircled by the coven. Instead of carving her right there on the spot with their sacrificial knives, they shoot her up with something to make her sleep. She awakens in her own bed, beautifully decked out in her red party dress. The occasion? The return of the coven's leader, Lucas Nobel, in the form of her husband, Jerry Lebon. Nobel/Lebon... Lebon/Nobel...

Jerry Lebon is Lucas Nobel!!! OMG!!!

"We've waited nearly 300 years for him to
return to us, and now, the coven is complete."

The old man was right, they were all in on it together! And, what's more, they intended to sacrifice Linda at the stroke of midnight to re-affirm their pact with Satan, which was at risk of being broken after Beatrice's husband, James, repented in the house of God. The old man from the opening scene! Now, it's all coming together!

Somehow, Linda is able to convince Jerry to repent as well (these part-time Satanic cultists are a dime a dozen), and then uses him as a decoy to trap the coven inside the church. Looking svelte in their flowing black robes, the coven members fight to free themselves from Holy Prison, but it is of no use; their fate is to become the main course in the biggest demonic fry-up in Devlin Island's history. Did anybody remember to bring dinner rolls?

In the final scene of the film (which I never had on my TV bootleg), Linda is pictured taking leave of the island in a row boat, looking stunned and disheveled. Now, why didn't she think of that sooner?





BAY COVE is what it is: a made-for-TV horror pic that reeked of 1987. While Ronnie Regan was undergoing prostate surgery, the Unabomber was in full swing, and The Simpsons were making their first appearance on TV's The Tracy Ullman Show, Barbie B. and the gang were running around in dark robes, making a movie about witchcraft that would be forgotten by most, if ever seen at all.

What puzzles me now, after more than 20 years of careful contemplation, is how Director Carl Schenkel was able to convince cast members to lend their moderate amount of star power to Tim Kring's over-the-top, under-developed brainchild?

Two words: Drug Money.

Ridiculous? Yes. Laughably dated? Yes, that too. Forgettable? Never!

BAY COVE Gallery on Kitty's Flickr

3/5 Kitty Skulls = Belle of the Bargain Bin!


___________________________________________
* You know, June Cleaver... Wally and the Beav's Mom.
** You know, Celebrity Rehab's favourite repeat offender.
*** You know, the totally spaced-out redhead on LA LAW.

A thousand thank-yews to Stephen for ensuring that childhood horror memories don't turn to forgotten dust in my brain. xXx

Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout (1990)

Caution: Video Spoilers Galore

How prepared are you to handle a hostile zombie takeover? Can you ride a bicycle, lying on the floor, with your legs jacked up over your head? Could your hips, buns, belly, and thighs stand a little aerobicization? Have no fear, LINNEA QUIGLEY'S HORROR WORKOUT is here!!! The Scream Queen and Hardbody Extraordinaire woke up at the crack of 1990 to bring you this spookier, sexier version of the home fitness video. Whether you are looking to work your entire body, or merely your wrist, Linnea and her enthusiastic team of zombies and slumber party sluts are sure to get your heart rate up, and your blood pumping!

After opening with a steamy, pre-workout shower scene, the brassy blonde dons a pair of fishnet stockings, high-heeled boots, and a metal-plated bra n' panty set before getting down on all fours to communicate a little of her body language. The background music is terrible, but serves its purpose in getting a nice, little beat going for Ms. Q to gyrate to. For those who choose to participate in the activity, you'll know that you're doing it right when you get to the lingering ass shots!

Linnea demonstrates her awesome powers of flexibility

Upon completion of her floor exercises, Linnea decides to go for a jog through the cemetary. When a gaggle of flabby zombies follows her home, she leads them in a poolside aerobic routine which is sure to whip them into shape! The terrible background music returns, but it's surprising how well the dilapidated freaks move to it!

Poolside Zombies (YouTube Clip)

After a long day of working out, Linnea is finally ready to kick back at home with a bunch of buxom, scantily-clad hussies she's invited over for a slumber party. This sequence was a little on the long side, and regrettably uneventful up until the last few minutes. Kitty's advice to viewers: wait for the pelvic thrusts, they are soooo worth it. Further, the more satin-covered crotch they cram onto the screen in each frame, the better the limp-wristed guitarfluff background music seems to sound! By the end of the dry-air-humping sequence, you'll be scouring eBay for your very own copy of the soundtrack!

Slumber Party Sluts Spread 4 U (YouTubeClip)

LINNEA QUIGLEY'S HORROR WORKOUT is not rocket science; it's a thinly-veiled excuse for one of the hottest bodies in horror to do what she does best: wear as little as possible in order to maintain her seat in the House of Scream Queens. Linnea's voiceovers are funny, but poorly-executed, and it's clear that she won't be successfully acting her way out of a wet paper bag any time soon, but all of this is really quite irrelevant. HORROR WORKOUT takes two prominent staples from my 1980s upbringing, and combines them in a way that is both fun and unique. And, when Linnea Quigley says "Jump!" the only appropriate response is "Let me get my lube!"

Unfortunately, I can't speak to the efficacy of the actual workout, as my metal-plated bra is in the shop.

3/5 Kitty Skulls: Wait for this one to hit the Bargain Bin (and don't forget the lube!)

Ratman (1988)

Caution: Spoilers Galore

“I hereby confirm that I will present to the next International Genetics Congress the new hybrid I developed, by introducing the sperm of a rat into the ovum of a monkey.

This hybrid has – in its teeth, and under its nails – a very potent poison, one that produces a kind of instantaneous Leptospirosis. Its bite or scratch will kill a human being in just a few seconds.”

The lead-in is impossible to miss. Mad Scientist gives his Greasty Manservant feeding instructions for the beast, who reveals that “Mousy” has been growing crazy-strong on his strict raw meat diet. The Scientist and Greasy leave the rat warehouse, and in the very next frame, Mousy’s cage is empty! Buckle your seats, kids. Giuliano Carnimeo's Ratman is going to be a gnarly ride!

The flesh-eating hybrid snacks on a tasty, meat Popsicle while peering through tropical foliage at a sunny scene of swimsuit models frolicking on a beach for a sufficiently douchey photographer named Mark (Werner Pochath), who is snapping off shots of their sand-covered crevasses. Everything is going along swimmingly with the shoot until the lovely Marlis (Eva Grimaldi) discovers a decomposing body hidden within a rock formation. Team Beach Baby recovers from the gruesome find quite well; there are drinks to be drunk at the sand bar, and island men to be had.



Peggy (Luisa Menon), the New York Doll, is already running late for a date when the taxi cab she is riding in blows a tire. Incredulously, the driver tells her that “it’s the third one today, and I just don’t have any more spares!” She will, most unfortunately, have to walk the rest of the way. At night. Through the rough part of town. In a backless, mock snakeskin dress, and plastic pearls. To cap it all off with a glass of Pee Soda, the cabbie still makes the Senorita pay for the ride! Ahhh, ZUT!!!

While on her midnight stroll, the Doll hears an unearthly screeching sound coming from one of the buildings. She peers in the window just in time to see a fresh corpse being dragged out of view. Just then, she realizes that there is a brooding, shadowy figure approaching, so she runs off in search of a place to hide. Ducking inside a remarkably well-kept abandoned house, she huddles in a dark corner as the marauder drags the dull blade of his big, scary knife across the building’s frame. Screeeeeech. The tension of these several minutes’ worth of stalking is most delicious.

Peggy's would-be assailant turns out to be a sketchy-looking Latino dude with huge he-hooters. Definitely not the kind of guy you want to have to do a striptease-at-knifepoint for, if ya know what I mean! Unfortunately, the New York Doll snags her string of pearls, and the beads come crashing to the floor around her, one by one, in a violent cacophony of unwanted sound. Luckily (for the viewer, not so much for the broad), Ratman gets to taste her pretty flesh before the creep-o with the ugly knife does. The model’s blood-curdling screams cause the lurker to think twice about fucking around in abandoned buildings, and he takes off back into the night.

Fade to an airplane landing in the late afternoon sun. Fred Williams (David Warbeck), All-Amerian Writer Hero, shares a taxi cab with a stunning, young woman named Terry (Janet Agren) on her way to the morgue to identify the body of her missing sister. A true, old-fashioned gent, Fred accompanies the woman while she attends to the loathsome task of seeing a loved one laid out on a slab like cold cuts at a cheap buffet. But, wait…

“This isn’t my sister.
You’ve frightened me for no reason!”

The police are dumbfounded. Who can it beeee now?? Although they have no idea who the victim is, they believe they have caught the murderer, and instruct Fred to leave the investigating to “us professionals.” Yeah, buddy. Okie dokie. Later, the odd couple are forced to endure a do-over when the cops invite them to identify the body of yet another dead, blonde, clawed-to-shit girl that could be Terry's sister.

“This isn’t Marlis, either.
She’s in the jungle, on an assignment!”

“Feel the jungle! You’re an animal! You’re wild!”

Back to the modeling… The next shoot is a steamy (if not a bit jerky), full 4 minutes’ worth of Marlis prancing around, wet and braless, in an ill-fitting tank top, and (hello!) cut-off jean shorts. A walkman is clipped to her hip for added flair and a hip, sporty jaunt. Accessorize!

After slipping into a nearby cave while possessed by the driving, primal urges conjured by the photo shoot, Marlis discovers her second body on the job. Who's a lucky girl?



She blows off with the photographer (never in any hurry to inform the authorities about their grizzly finds) to grab their pal Monique, and get the fuck out of Dodge. But lo, and behold: Ratman climbs up out of the toilet and attacks poor Monique just as the dude is getting to her door (which rests at the end of a labyrinth of dangerous safety hazards, I might add).

“What happened to her?”

“I’m not sure, but it’s horrifying!”

Coincidentally, shortly after discovering Monique’s body, The Mad Scientist, Ratman’s creator, smokes Mark with his car and then takes him to his swanky lair so that he may attend to his wounds. Meanwhile, Marlis engages in one of the most viewer-friendly shower scenes these glow-in-the-dark Kitty eyes have ever seen. Post spritz-bliss, she hears some freaky, squealing noises coming from outside the window, and bolts out of the bathroom in fear. The beast's shadow is spotted darting across the hallway. At last, the hybrid has returned to his Master!



It’s Marlis’s presence; the Ratman is drawn to her, because he wants to spawn with her. It’s typical rodent behaviour, really. After narrowly escaping his bestial advances in the boudoir at The Mad Scientist’s lair, she rushes to Mark’s side for comfort and safety. After climbing into bed with him, she realizes that he’s already been shredded up pretty thoroughly by the Ratman. At this point in my discussion of the film, I should add that Eva Grimaldi is quite adept in the Art of the Terror Face. A face like hers makes one long for the next bloody disposal, simply to catch a glimpse of the wonderful ways in which her sinuous features will contort.



Mark the Photographer lies dead on the bed (his chest still moving up and down quite perceptibly, however) while the Scientist and his Manservant begin combing the joint for Ratman. Don’t worry, baby. I’ll explain it all to ya later.

Silly mortals! You think you can foil Ratman in his desperate search for world domination and bloody revenge on those who first created, and then caged him? Nofuckingway! The hybrid brute goes on a feeding frenzy while his unliberated rat pals look on from their cages, crying to get in on the action.

“Mousy” finally bites the hand (erm, face) that used to feed him, tearing a big ole strip off of the Scientist before taking him down to finish the job on the floor. Nice moves, little guy! Marlis hears the commotion from outside, and realizes that she is now alone with the horny, hybrid murder-monster. And also, that the recently departed Dr. Demento has the car keys on him! She makes a valiant attempt at retrieving them in order escape, but everything is coming up Ratman!

Marlis manages to put some wood between them (pardon the pun), but the Ratman claws through the door like it’s made of cardboard, which actually appears to be the case. Again, she stealthily gets away, and rewards herself by going into the fridge for a cold, refreshing Coca Cola Classic. Seriously! Meanwhile, Fred and Terry are still tooling around like a pair of idiots, trying to solve The Mystery of the Model’s Whereabouts.

Finally, day breaks back at the Rat Ranch. Marlis greets the dawn in a pair of pastel yellow shorts, and a flirty blouse tied at the midriff. Back to the fridge for some more… Ratman!!! Starsky and Hutch finally zero in on the missing model, just in time to find her lifeless corpse lying face-down and bloodied in the kitchen, having fallen prey to Ratman’s mighty paw.



The pair (who actually don’t seem that perplexed upon discovering Marlis’ body) head to the police station with some information that could crack those other homicide cases wide open. For some reason, the po-po just don't want to buy a story about a half-rat/half-monkey creature who feeds on human flesh. They are given Marlis' personal effects (which contain a Super Terrific Bonus Prize), and instructed to go back to America and get on with their lives.

All aboard Flight 106 to Ratsville! Please be sure to check all your flesh-eating monsters at the baggage claim. Thank you for flying Bloodcrazy Hybrid Airways, and have a safe and pleasant journey!

3/5 Kitty Skulls = Wait for this one to hit the Bargain Bin.

Haeckel's Tale (2006)

Caution: Spoilers Galore

Thanks to The Vicar of VHS from Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies for bringing this title to my attention, after reading this entry I posted about the short story by Clive Barker.


From the Masters of Horror television series comes this putrid tale of a woman's love and desire, which is so profound that it extends beyond the crypt! Crafted originally in the form of a short story by Clive Barker, Haeckel's Tale was adapted for the screen by writer Mick Garris (who also wrote an episode for HBO's Tales From the Crypt), and directed by John McNaughton (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer), in close association with Zombie Grand Pappy George Romero.

A handsome and wealthy man named Ralston (Steve Bacic) pays a sombre visit to an old woman, Miz Carnation (Micki Maunsell), who is said to have the power to raise the dead. Ralston's beloved wife, Samantha, has recently died and he is most desperate to pluck her from the tomb by any means necessary. The old woman, who sits in a chair by the fire gulping rum from a silver stein, scoffs at him. She tells Ralston that she is no longer in the business of necromancy, and that even if she was, she doubted the strength of his desire. Miz Carnation made a bargain with Ralston: if he still wanted his dead wife returned to him after having listened to her telling of Haeckel's tale, she would grant his unnatural request.




Ernst Haeckel (Derek Cecil) was a dashing, young medical student who seemed obsessed with breathing life into death. In the tradition of Dr. Victor Frankenstein, he seemed convinced that science and medicine would one day overcome the greatest obstacle placed before mankind: the reaper's scythe.

"Devoid of a soul," his bushy-haired professor (Gerard Plunkett) lectures, "all that is left is left is flesh; a machine without power, a mere husk, an empty vessel. Only God, in his infinite wisdom, may grant life and take it away."



A true man of science (and a fine example of Victorian Man Meat), young Haeckel shouts back at his professor. "What has God to do with man? Man and woman fornicate to create life. Accidents, disease, or old age take it away. Your God has nothing to do with it." He references the work of the German necrophile, Frankenstein, who has succeeded in removing God from the life/death conundrum. The older man mocks his students belief in the "re-animation of the human corpse."

Quick on the draw, Haeckel shoots back with a stinging remark about Zombie Jesus Day; touché. He promises to show his teacher, and the whole of his class, that he can, and will, bring life to the dead, using the notes of Dr. Frankenstein, the power of lightning, and the body of a young female victim of consumption. "This girl shall live again!"



Or, not. Okay, so she burned. Tommorrow is another day. "It appears divinity is still a long ways off for you, Mr. Haeckel... May God forgive you, sir."

Chester (Pablo Coffey), the grizzly commoner who brings "good beef" to the medical school, aids Haeckel in his quest to solve the mysteries of life and death. He implores him to seek out Montesquino the Necromancer (Jon Polito), who runs a carnival-like show in which he solicits money from peasants to perform the dark art of resurrecting the dead. He claims takes one year from his own life each time he undertakes the proceedings, and is therefore worth their hard-earned money. Even after witnessing Montesquino's performance (in which he re-animates a "quite dead" Golden Retriever), Haeckel discounts the man as a charlatain.

"To resurrect a simple beast is not nearly so taxing as

bringing back a human being; a man, with a soul."

Young Haeckel's continued studies are interrupted by a message indicating that his father is near death, and would like to see his son before he passes into the Great Beyond. The young student attempts to make the journey on foot, and along his journey, he meets an old man named Walter Wolfram (Tom McBeath), who advises him that it would be wise to steer clear of the nearby necropolis at such a late hour, and offers Haeckel lodging in his home nearby.



Wolfram's home is meagre, but his wife, Elise (Leela Savasta), is young and inviting. In the way he looks at Elise, it is clear that Haeckel is wondering how she can possibly be satisfied by an old man such as Wolfram, and undoubtedly he covets her for himself. The three of them dine together, and the conversation is pleasant enough, but something is not quite right. The old man plies him with wine, while Elise nervously looks out the window as though waiting for something, or someone.

That night, Haeckel is treated to some bizarre late-night viewing from the guest room. First, he sees Elsie at the window, fondling herself as she looks out in anticipation of something unknown. She turns to see him, but her eyes are glazed over as though she is in some sort of erotic trance. Later, he sees Wolfram hand a man at the door a sum of money before the stranger departs. Later still, he is awakened by a baby's hungry cry, and sees Elsie suckling an infant at her breast while her aged husband looks on.



Haeckel is baffled, for surely Old Man Limp Dick could not possibly have fathered a child. Elsie puts the child down anxiously, and rushes out the door. Her husband watches her through the window, but does not follow, and instead, sits down at the table and cries. The young student is unable to stand it any longer; he gets up out of bed to question the old man. He suspects that Wolfram has paid the man at the door to ball his sexed-up wife.

In actuality, Wolfram has hired Montesquino to satisfy Elsie's "sickness." He explains to Haeckel that the child Elsie was nursing is not his, and that the father of the baby is dead. Elsie loves the man desperately still, and Wolfram has hired Montesquino to help her... erm, love him. She is heard crying out from the necropolis, and in spite of Wolfram's attempts to stop him, Haeckel rushes off to save her from the Necromancer's tricks. Haeckel still believes Montesquino's claims are hogwash, until he encounters the zombie Golden Retriever he had first seen a few days prior. He bashes the poor beast head in with a boulder, but still, it lives!

"It is already dead, Haeckel. You cannot kill it again."

The two men make their way into the necropolis, and encounter a most gruesome (and sexy) sight. There, in all her naked, glistening glory, is Elise, straddling a slimy corpse and riding it like a cowgirl, while a throng of other zombies stand around in wait for their turn to have a go at her.



When old Wolfram, unable to watch his wife humping the heck out of the undead, begs that she return home with him, he is gutted by zombies for his careless interruption. Haeckel is left as the sole defender of righteousness. He fires on that greedy, hellraisin' bastard Montesquino with Wolfram's musket. As the Necromancer takes his last few breaths, he tells Haeckel that there is no way to stop the undead orgy. Until the sun rises, the necrophornication will not cease.



The next morning, Haeckel steals back into the cabin, uncertain of what he will find there. To his surprise, he hears a beautiful woman's voice singing from within. He enters to find the lovely (and talented) Elise, looking particularly chipper, nursing her baby once again. Not upset in the least about Wolfram's death, she laments that "old men are the best husbands, as long as you don't want children." She stands and approaches Haeckel, with the child in her outstretched arms, beckoning him to hold the baby.

"He looks just like his beautiful Daddy."

Elsie's zombie baby eats Haeckel, or at least part of his neck. There is a silver lining, however: at last, Ernst Haeckel gets to do what he had been fantasizing about since he first set foot inside old Wolfram's house: he gets to nail Elise... as a zombie!!! Please, kids. Don't try this at home unless you have proper and adequate lubrication.



The fire rages back at Miz Carnation's house as she finishes with her story. Ralston does not believe the old woman's crazy yarn, calling it "an affront to God."

"There is no God in this simple home, sir." Miz Carnation replies. "No God at all." From out of the dark corners of the house come the zombified corpses of Wolfram, and Haeckel, and the Zombie Lover from the necropolis. Old Miz Carnation is revealed to be Elise, the young hot ass from the story she just shared with Ralston. Before he is invited to join the happy family, Ralston rushes out the door, leaving the necrofam to "play... together."



Given that Clive Barker's version of Haeckel's Tale was barely more than a few pages long, a number of elements were added to the film adaptation in order to give it more substance. I won't go into detail about the additions any further than to say that, aside from the family reunion-style ending (which is cheesy to the max), it all works. Quite well, actually!

The plot follows Barker's intention quite closely, and much of the dialogue is taken directly from the original story. I would have liked to have seen the movie end where Barker had chosen to end it, but alas, Kitty doesn't always get her wish. With the exception of the last few minutes (which were good for a lark, for sure), I found the film version of Haeckel's Tale to be very entertaining and easy to watch. The setting is refreshing, and was achieved quite well by the crew. The special makeup effects, particularly the zombies and gore scenes, were outstanding.

The players in this film, while relatively unknown, were surprisingly good, especially where the Victorian Man Meat is concerned. I found myself harbouring unclean desires each time Derek Cecil appeared on the screen, and even better still, his near-flawless portrayal of the cocky medical student impressed me greatly. I found his soulful eyes, and animated facial expressions equally capable of expressing emotion as was his brilliantly-delivered dialogue. On the other hand, while extremely beautiful, Leela Savasta failed to convey any particularly remarkable skills in the acting department. Her performance was satisfactory, though I will admit that she looked great riding zombie bareback.





3/5 Kitty Skulls = Wait for this movie to hit the Bargain Bin.