Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Escalofrio (aka Satan's Blood) [1978]

Caution: Spoilers Galore

Andy's soft, delicate, invisibly pregnant wife, Annie, develops a powerful lust for the dance floor one ho-hum afternoon. After Andy reminds his little flower of what everyone already knows (that dancing kills babies), they decide to load up on coffee and cigarettes, and drive recklessly about the city, instead. When that brand of crazy action proves not quite enough, they decide to kick up the heat a few notches by following a couple of perfect strangers back to their secluded mansion for wine and cheese.

Clearly starved for a night out, Annie is delighted by the rather forward invitation. Andy, however, is fixated on his host, Bruno, an old college chum. Why can't he remember him? The facts don't seem to add up. Once inside Bruno and Mary's sprawling love nest, they slowly begin to discover that not everything is as it appears on the surface. A table and a goblet, for example, are merely inanimate objects to most people. However, to some, those two objects can be used in unison to create a mechanism for communication with the world beyond.

The happy couple of squares lap up every drop of weird served them by their gracious hosts. Those two sure know how to throw a party, what with the booze, the necromancy, and the... "swinging from the chandelier," and all.

When a rather convenient storm brews outside, rendering the crude roadway impassable, Andy and Annie are forced to spend the night with their new pals. Annie awakens, and goes wandering in the night, only to be near-raped by a lurking hobo, who seems to have full use privileges in Bruno and Mary's kitchen. When she returns, moments later, with Andy to look for the attacker (unarmed; we are left to assume that Andy planned on giving the guy a stern lecture), they instead find their friendly hosts sitting naked inside a Satanic Circle.

Bruno is chanting, Mary is writhing, and the happy couple of squares can't help but want to know more. Finally, their presence in the room is detected, and they are approached by the ferocious, buxom blonde. For the purposes of the film, the couple is placed under a powerful Satano-trance, but my own, personal reading on the scene(s) to follow is that Andy and Annie were simply craving a ride on the wild baloney pony. The chemistry is definitely interesting: Bruno is depicted as little more than a sad leather freak, his masculinity beaten from him by the insatiable Mary, who is impossible to resist.

"You who are of death
You who kiss death on the mouth
Protect us, and lead us out of our misery."

Not only does this firecracker of a film confirm that Satanic orgies are safer for a developing fetus than dancing, it also contains step-by-step visual instructions on how to complete a Satanic orgy properly. From the correct application of evil head cheese, to the prolonged, piercing scream at the end of the ritual, this movie provides all the information necessary for those wishing to start a Satanic cult or group of their own.

Unfortunately, things get a little too wild and wooly during the orgy, and Mary is left bed-ridden, but still wanton. She takes a spin with just about everyone, including Annie, whom she visits in a rather violent lesbian dream-encounter. It is around this time that Annie begins to notice an absolutely terrifying porcelain doll is following her around. Remarkably, Annie pushes through all the evil weirdness to tend to Mary's ailments. She is a nurse, after all. Personally, I think she just wanted to wait around to see if there might be another orgy.

When the couple of squares finally awaken, and try to leave the house of sin, all Hell most assuredly breaks loose. To top it all off, Bruno finally comes correct on his end of some sort of suicide pact with Mary, and Annie is forced to care for her oversexed hosts once again. Mary leaves to fetch a doctor, and returns in a semi-catatonic state. When the doctor enters the room wearing a black trench coat, you just know it's bad news! Although the man utters a clearly-Satanic verse over Bruno's corpse, Andy and Annie decide to remain helpfully at the scene upon his doctoral authority. What a pair of patsys!

"By the dreadful day of our Judgement
By the four beasts before the throne,
having eyes before and behind
By the fire which is around the throne
Take thy servant, I command thee
Into your world of darkness."

While Andy and Annie lament upon how much their situation blows, Mary sneaks off to slit her wrists in the bathtub. Finally, the happy couple have had enough! They decide to wipe the place of their fingerprints (only to replace them with fresh, new ones) and get the fuck out of dodge before Dr. Death comes back with the law! The house itself turns against them, slamming doors and barring exits. Fortunately, the forces of darkness leave the side door open for them, and they are ultimately able to escape.

The breathless couple finally return home, only to discover that their door no longer opens to their apartment, but instead, to a never-ending Hell. Foolishly, they allow themselves to be taken in by the friendly, old couple living across the hall... in Apt. 66!!! Once inside, they are greeted by all their friends from the Satanic mansion: Bruno, Mary, the bum that near-raped Annie and got stabbed by the weird gatekeeper who Andy and Annie drove over with their car as they were escaping... It's a homecoming fit for a Dark Prince!

Ángel Aranda and Sandra Alberti are impeccable as bickering, Satanic swingers. Bruno is like an early-model Danzig, without any of the corresponding cool, while Mary is a (literally) snarling, rabid sex kitten, with a body that was made to glorify the gods. Andy and Annie (José María Guillén and Mariana Karr) are presented in sharp contrast to their Hell bound hosts, poster children for the sanctity of marriage.

In spite of the fact that Annie is first presented as somewhat of a delicate flower (in a family way, no less), she proves herself capable of managing the myriad of threatening situations presented before her. Not only does she cope well with these situations, but she also seems strangely drawn to them. Her husband, Andy, is oddly attractive, with the face of a more handsome Sylvester Stallone, and the body of a squash-playing accountant. Certainly, he cannot be counted on for protection against the forces of evil.

ESCALOFRIO (aka SATAN'S BLOOD) has all the necessary components of a great devil movie, with an outstanding cast of characters, to boot! Even the voice over actors hired for the English dubbing of this Spanish title from writer/director Carlos Puerto were really quite superb. Although full of blatant plot holes (the foremost being the fact that Andy and Annie were silly to have not taken their chances on the road following the incident with the Ouija table), intriguing character development, along with skillful art direction, save this film from Satano-mediocrity.

Thanks to Karswell for tucking this titillating title inside my Christmas stocking!

And, to read hilarious quips from a different perspective, be sure to check out this review of the same film, posted by The Vicar of VHS of Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies.

4/5 Kitty Skulls ... Video Cocaine!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Rasputin and the Princess

A voluptuous blonde playfully disrobes, then settles herself upon a coffin-like structure for a statuesque nap. A lurking monster appears, ravages her, and then gently sets her back upon her pedestal for sleepies once again! The bombshell awakens to discover that the fearsome scene was merely a nightmare... Or, was it?

was released as an archival short with THE CURIOUS DR. HUMPP SPECIAL EDITION (2000) by those cwazy wabbits at Something Weird Video. While not quite as WTF? OMG! HOT! as the film's other vintage smut offering, THE GIRL AND THE SKELETON, this 7 minute clip features plenty of music, dancing, and monstrousness!

As with all online video clips featuring the (mostly) undressed female form, please be sure to watch while supplies last. And, don't forget to enjoy!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Girl and the Skeleton

A delicate, young flower frolics nude with a paper skeleton in this silent short, which is sure to quicken the pulse and warm the blood of all who dare to behold THE GIRL AND THE SKELETON.

Released with Something Weird Video's THE CURIOUS DR. HUMPP SPECIAL EDITION* (2000), this archival short subject is nothing less than voyeuristic heaven; 2 minutes and 49 seconds of heaven, to be precise.

I've taken the liberty of posting the clip to YouTube (you're welcome), so go on and take a peek, before some Bible Belter flags it as inappropriate! Please note that the clip is not safe for work, or anyone with a Halloween decoration fetish and a heart condition.

Yup, the video got banished from the t00b,
so I'm now providing it directly through Blogger.

* Thank you, Stephen J., for keeping my erotic needs in mind this Holiday Season!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Blood on Her Lips (1953)

A scheming she-wolf stalks a dashing, young Mountie as he treks through the frigid Canadian wilderness to catch a fur-trappin' murderer. It's man versus beast and the elements, as Corporal Dennis Keefe fights for his life in a harsh, unforgiving landscape.

Thanks to The Horrors of it All for this four-legged frightener from Journey Into Fear No. 11. From puck-shootin' ghouls, to werewolves prowling the tundra, Karswell has kindly provided all the essential tools needed to fill my Sub-Zero Survival Kit!

So, put on your mittens, slap on your touque, and get ready to taste the BLOOD ON HER LIPS... And for those who really wanna wolf-out, be sure to check out THOIA for yet another tale from the lycanthrope files, WEREWOLF OF THE ALPS. It's Wolfy Wednesday!!!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

The Creepshow (November 26, 2008)

Canada's Premiere Psychobilly band, THE CREEPSHOW, brought their high-energy, low-filler act to town once again on November 26 @ Bar None in Kingston. The official band the Rue Morgue Festival Fear for two years running were fresh off a European tour, and re-acclimated themselves to the fretfully low temperatures in the Great White North by playing to a packed house of dedicated fans and followers.

While showering the crowd with product-placement gifts of Jägermeister t-shirts, pins, and stickers, they played a lineup of favourites from their acclaimed debut album, Sell Your Soul, as well as a collection of tunes from Run For Your Life, the follow-up album they released in September, 2008.

THE CREEPSHOW is touring extensively right now, so who knows? You may find them creepin' into a honkey tonk near you in the not-too-distant future!

"Take My Hand"
on YouTube

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Goal is Death (1974)

In celebration of a hard-earned Saturday night, also known as Hockey Night in Canada to millions of airhorn-blowing fans, your feline hostess has acquired yet another treat from the haunted longboxes over at The Horrors of it All! Feast your eyes on Vicente Alcazar's arena-chiller, THE GOAL IS DEATH, which appeared in Sorcery No. 9 (1974).

Go on, pull your neighbour's sweater over his head before you begin punching him furiously, then become acquainted with Baron Torak, a lonely vampire who comes to find the love and acceptance he has always craved somewhere between center ice and the blue line.

Curtsies to Steve for this penalty-killing classic, and also for the excellent Evil Hockey Night in Canada graphic!

"I must score...
If it's the last thing I ever do...
I will score!"

Monday, December 1, 2008

In Drear-Nighted December

For those of us in the north, the dead season is most certainly upon us! Although Winter won't officially begin until December 21, I thought I would brace for the grueling months to come with some moon mythology, followed up promptly with a Keats Toddy!

Full Cold Moon: On Friday, December 12, the Full Cold Moon will bathe us in its luminous glory. "The winter cold fastens its grip, and nights are at their longest and darkest. It is also sometimes called the Moon before Yule. The term Long Night Moon is a doubly appropriate name because the midwinter night is indeed long, and because the Moon is above the horizon for a long time. The midwinter full Moon has a high trajectory across the sky because it is opposite a low Sun." -- Farmers' Almanac

In Drear-Nighted December

In drear-nighted December,
Too happy, happy tree,
Thy branches ne'er remember
Their green felicity:
The north cannot undo them
With a sleety whistle through them;
Nor frozen thawings glue them
From budding at the prime.

In drear-nighted December,
Too happy, happy brook,
Thy bubblings ne'er remember
Apollo's summer look;
But with a sweet forgetting,
They stay their crystal fretting,
Never, never petting
About the frozen time.

Ah! would 'twere so with many
A gentle girl and boy!
But were there ever any
Writhed not at passed joy?
The feel of not to feel it,
When there is none to heal it
Nor numbed sense to steel it,
Was never said in rhyme.

John Keats (1795 - 1821)