Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Body Melt (1993)

Caution: Spoilers Galore

Philip Brophy's Australian gore freak-out, Body Melt, begins with an infomercial about a health spa which promises to revitalize and rejuvenate body and mind. The following scene features the woman from the infomercial (Regina Gaigalas), naked and glistening with sweat, pumping a funky-coloured substance into her also-naked (I saw cock!) lover's arm with a syringe. It would seem as though Loverboy (Robert Simper) knows too much about the "experiments" her evil corporation, Vimuvulle, is conducting in suburbia on a promising new drug they have developed. He is dealt with in the usual way: nailed by a sweaty cougar, and then dosed with a compound intended to expediate his gruesome and painful demise considerably.

"The first stage is hallucinogenic,
the second stage is glandular,
the third stage is..."

Loverboy was about to notify the good people of Homesville that the "vitamins" Vimuville had been so graciously letting them sample were really more like mind and body-warping drugs. He doesn't get much farther than the Welcome to Homesville sign before he enters the third phase of the drug, wrecks his car, and is then fatally assaulted by what I can only assume are his own guts. Makeup Guru Bob McCarron also lent his skills to the astoundingly gross Braindead (aka Dead Alive) in 1992, if that provides any indication of the sorts of treats Body Melt has in store for the discerning viewer of weird, way-over-the-top gore.

The horriffic car accident on their quiet street does not deter Paul (William MacInnes) from going about his usual routine of being an a-hole, nor does it stop wannabe pimp daddy's Sal and Gino* (Nick Polites & Maurice Annese) from going on a poontang-findin' road trip. Paul begins to have Nam flashbacks (though he never went to Nam), while the Italian Stallions get stuck at a 26th-rate stopover joint where the chromosomes are few in number, and the birds are labelled "sexy." Basically, it's the Australian version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.

Gene Simmons' Demon with his face in a pair of tits. Now, and forever.

The not-so-bright Stallions seem to really enjoy hanging out with the Goonie-brothers (Neil Foley & Matthew Newton) while they wait for their vehicle to be repaired. After a game of Kill Kangaroo & Eat It's Adrenal Gland To Get High with the Goonie-brothers, Gino decides to have a go at the ugly, inbred chica with all the sores on her face (Anthea Davis). Unfortunately, she eats him before he gets his rocks off. Sal hears his friend screaming and makes a break for it, but the fam closes in on him. "Breakfast, lunch, and tea!"

Skipping on down to the city morgue, Loverboy is lying (naked, again. Cock, again) on a table, post-autopsy, while a drug enthusiast/medical examiner in a tie-dyed t-shirt explains the strange things he discovered while giving the dude's innards a look-see.

"Now, I'm talkin' new drugs here, ugh?
Not just 70's designer shit, or 80's ghetto powders.
I'm talkin' 90's, man. Cognition enhancers,
designed to take your mind into new
intraphenomenalogical dimensions."

Back in Homesville, Paul is having another one of his episodes, this time involving a hot lady who lives inside his mailbox and steals his rib (massages it out of his body, to be precise) for her collection. To make the town news column even worse, the attractive, young couple with the bun in the oven (Brett Climo & Lisa McCune) begin to experience strange side effects from the "vitamins," as well. Though I'm sure it's really nothing to get excited about, Mom-to-Be's womb belches forth a hideous, sting ray-like creature that can move like the Dickens! The bouncing baby beast pre-empts years of child abuse by leaving both of his (possibly her) parents in the wake of his (or her) destruction.

That's some good baby *burp*

Nice sack, buddy!

This kid doesn't even get to experience the 3 stages of Body Melt;
he eats it while doing skateboard tricks on a halfpipe.

Even those who work for Vimuville are beginning to experience some rather unsettling side-effects of the drug. While they knew it could be fatal in high doses, they seemed perfectly content to ingest it themselves in much smaller portions. Intraphenomenalogical dimensions are pretty f'n cool, after all. What they didn't know was that Paw Inbred (Vincent Gill), who used to work for Vimuville, took one of the essential additives with him as a parting gift.

"Without that little additive, the body cannot control
its new powers. It might even, ugh... Explode!
Very fucking messy."

Sackman has seen better days.

Shit gets really wild at the health spa when employees and guests alike all start melting (and mutating!) right, left, and centre**. The bumbling cops (a horror essential) finally close in in the operation, and shut it down.

Next stop, Bonerland!
Musclehead's penis explodes all over what appears to be a gay porno on television.

Now I'll never get younger guys to fuck me!

Phil Brophy is obviously a HUGE Gene Simmons fan.

All of Vimuville's products are removed from the site with great care, however, the "vitamins" are still flying off the shelves in local shops. It's time to get intraphenomenalogical, baby!



* Coincidentally, Sal and Gino's last names are "
Ciccone" (pop icon Madonna's surname), and "Argento" (as in Dario, I should think).

* I didn't spell that wrong. Canadians speak English-English.

4/5 Kitty Skulls = Video Cocaine!


Karswell said...

Whoa, sexy birds, exploding penises, funky substances, sweaty cougars, this sounds too good to be true! And as much as I'd still love to see it, all your talk about "Loverboy" has left me equally aching for Hot Girls In Love.

The Kid Is Hot Tonite.

Kitty LeClaw said...

You wanna be in the show?
Come on, baby, let's go!

The Headless Werewolf said...

This sounds wonderfully sleazy--which means I must search this out . . .

Kitty LeClaw said...

Headless Werewolf: I have never seen this available for sale, or even rental. However...

There is a copy for "borrow" available thru HORROR HOUSE, which is listed in my Favourite Haunts.